The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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