So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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