I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
