tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
