a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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