His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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