Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
