Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
