you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
