I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
