his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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