I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
