She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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