well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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