Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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