Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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