I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just cropdusted the office
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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