i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
