Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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