i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
