You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
