I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
