Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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