I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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