What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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