Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How does it feel to date your dad?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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