If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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