OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
