HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
