I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
