My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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