Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just gargled with NyQuil
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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