When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I FOUND THE LEGS
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
