Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize