so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
