There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
