Someone shit on the floor
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
