Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize