He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
