I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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