I love black thongs
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
