all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize