someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
