Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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