I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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