peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
