I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
