You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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