so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
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