that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
