I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
