So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize