I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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