So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
