I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
