I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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