and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
