I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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