I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize