my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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