um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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