If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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