He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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