This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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