I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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