mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i now understand why vodka
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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