So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
