Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I believe in your delicious
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
