You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
